


Fuck You Linda

by LittleGreenPuppy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Not Actual Cheating Though, Suburbia, awkward dinner parties, no one is actually cheating on each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-28 09:20:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10085435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleGreenPuppy/pseuds/LittleGreenPuppy
Summary: Do you hate suburbia? With its homeowners associations? And its rows upon rows of identical, two-story houses? And all those stereotypical families who are the very definition of White People™? And the minivans?So do Eren and Levi.Throwing a simple dinner party has never been so painful.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Considered whether or not to just tag White People™ on this fic too. Cuz really that's who these people are. Whether or not all these suburbanites actually have white skin, they are for all intent and purposes conditioned to be White People™... those poor souls...
> 
> And for the record, Eren and Levi are not suburbanites and do not live in the suburbs. They're safe.
> 
> SO ANYWAY, welcome to this. This is an idea I've have for like two years now, but only put into flesh a year ago, and only just now decided to post.
> 
> If you hate suburbia as much as me, you'll like this. If you don't care for suburbia, you might like this. If you are suburbia, keep on walking. (and if you guys like this enough I might even get motivated to write other parts for this)
> 
> Either way, enjoy!

“I can’t believe I have to pretend to be nice to these people,” Eren complained, throwing down the plates as gently as he could.

Levi rolled his eyes, setting the other side of the table. “You don’t even know them,” he said, trying to play devil’s advocate. “They may be better than you think. Besides, this whole dinner party was your idea.”

“It’s not a party!” Eren stressed. “I’m just trying to make sure they don’t have anything to use against me. I know their type, and they hold the worst grudges and remember  _ everything _ . If I don’t make up for missing that stupid ‘gathering’ of theirs because of work, then they’ll make the rest of your temporary reassignment terrible for me! They probably think I was too busy cheating on you to go or something!” The doorbell rang. “Oh god, that’s them…”

Levi chuckled and kissed Eren on the cheek. “I’ll finish setting up, if you want to greet them.”

Eren whimpered.

* * *

Linda and David were the first to show up. It was a dinner party, so of  _ course  _ Linda had to show up first. Grinning, she held her famous blueberry cobbler in her arms. Sure, Levi had said that his husband didn’t want them to trouble themselves with bringing something, but she couldn’t help it. After all, cooking all that food by himself? Surely Levi’s husband couldn’t have been able to make everything. He only had to cook for the two of them, whereas Linda always cooked for at least four.

Soon enough, the door opened, and Linda’s grin faltered.

The man who answered the door was so… young. He had jeans on and a button up shirt and messy, ruffled hair. But her senses came back to her quickly. He must be the help.

“Hello!” she chimed. “I’m Linda, and this is my husband David. We’re here for the dinner party.”

The helper smiled and held out his hand. “Oh, it’s nice to meet you! I’m Eren, Levi’s husband.”

Linda had to control her feelings, but her eyes still widened. This was Levi’s husband? The man who spends too much time at the ‘office’? Him?

“O-Oh? Oh! Yes. Nice to meet you too.” She accepted the offered hand, feeling like she was in a dream. “So you’re the infamous husband?”

“Infamous?” Eren laughed nervously. “I’m not sure I like the sound of that… He hasn’t been making up stories about me has he? Because I can play that game too.”

Linda laughed nervously back. “Only good things.” Eren led them inside, and she held up the cobbler. “So where can I put this?”

“You…?” Eren stared at the dish for a moment, then realization dawned on him. “Oh, you shouldn’t have! I said you didn’t have to!”

Linda’s laugh became less and less nervous. “Oh, I know, I know.” She waved off Eren’s objections. “But I just couldn’t help myself. I’m kind of the, heh, chef of the group.” Linda grinned guiltily. “I just love to cook! And I used organic blueberries and made the crust entirely gluten free!”

Linda handed the dish to Eren, who took it reluctantly. “Well… I suppose options for dessert are always nice,” he murmured.

“Oh? You made dessert, too?” Linda laughed on the inside. It was probably just a store bought cake or cookies.

“Yeah.” Eren shrugged and gave a half smile. “It’s not exactly my strong suit, but I made a couple different ones since I didn’t know what you all liked.” He headed over to the kitchen, which was too large to miss, and Linda and David followed.

“Well, I’m excited to see what you have,” Linda pretended to be actually excited, “and can’t wait for dinner to be over so I can see!”

Eren half smiled again, and looked almost relieved at the doorbell.

“Oh, that would be the other guests,” and Eren was gone a second later.

Linda looked around in the kitchen, noting the professional equipment and how it was much larger than she first thought. Poor kid probably had no idea what to do with most of it.

“You really shouldn’t show off so much in front of new friends,” David laughed, though he hardly meant it. It wasn’t his wife’s fault that she was simply a fantastic cook.

Linda raised an eyebrow, amused. “It’s not like I could have predicted my strong suit was his weakness.”

They both shared a quick laugh, then went to go see who else was there.

Karen and Michael showed up next with Susan and John. Carpooling, of course. What with Karen’s minivan. And shortly after, Mary, James, Deborah, and Robert arrived as well. Soon enough, greetings had been made, hushed comments between Linda and her friends about Eren had been exchanged, and then they were all seated around a wonderfully set table.

At least Eren could get that right.

They all settled in, Levi at the head of the table with Eren on his left and Linda on his left. Right across from Eren. And if she looked closely enough, she could see the hints of disdain on Eren’s face. He clearly didn’t want to be here, and she could only assume he’d rather be back at the ‘office’.

‘ _ Well, deal with it, honey _ ,’ she thought delightedly. ‘ _ If you didn’t want to be stuck to Levi, you shouldn’t have married him _ .’ Though he probably did it for the money Levi had. And from the looks of their fancy little townhouse, Levi had a lot of it. Gold digger.

“I think I’m about ready to eat, don’t you?” Michael prodded with a smile.

Levi shrugged, nonchalant as ever. “Sure. We were just waiting until you were all settled in. Eren?”

Eren gave a forced smile, and headed off into the kitchen with Levi following. Linda watched him go, disgusted. How could Levi stay with someone like that?

When they came back, their arms were full of covered yet clearly steaming serving platters and bowls. They strategically placed the platters around the table and pulled off the lids, Eren explaining as they went.

“I didn’t know what you all liked, so I made an… interesting mix of dishes. I’ve got red duck curry, a tabouli salad with poached pear and gorgonzola, grilled portabella mushrooms with artichoke polenta, whole lemon basil sea bass, paella, and gigot d’agneau pleureur which is… just kind of a fancy way of saying lamb roasted over potatoes.”

A rare smile from Levi appeared. “I thought something smelled good in there,” he said, sitting back down.

Eren gave a short chuckle and half grin. “It also just so happens to be my husband’s favorite dish,” he admitted.

The group stared wide eyed and open mouthed at the spread prepared for them. Linda most of all. She quickly shook off the shock. This was clearly just Eren trying hard to impress them. No doubt he’d spent hours upon hours with eyes glued to recipe pages he’d found on the internet in hopes of seeming superior. The effort was admirable, but he really should have stuck to something he knows rather than tread in her territory. Still, the dishes may look good, but it was the taste that mattered.

They started piling the food on their plates.

Linda eyed the food carefully, her plate giving off some of the best smells she’d ever known. But it couldn’t be that good. So she took a bite.

Anger.

Anger and envy were the first emotions she felt as the food melted in her mouth, the flavors spreading across every inch of her tongue. Each moment after revealed new and complicated flavors that complimented each other so well, it was as if the ingredients were soul mates meeting for the first time.

And the soft moans around the table meant everyone else was tasting the same thing…

Compliments were thrown, and Linda could see the tiniest bit of a genuine smile cross Eren’s face. He was no stranger to praise. So Linda waited, and once the praise had died down, she made her move.

“So, Eren,” Linda began. “Where did you find the recipes for all this?” Probably from some generic online recipe website.

“Oh, yes! I must know. This is absolutely amazing!” God, Mary, stop being so damn friendly. Linda was trying to tear down the cheater chef wannabe sitting across from her!

Eren paused, thinking long and hard about the question. “Um… I… don’t remember.” He seemed honestly confused. “Half of the dishes I just whipped up and the other half I’ve been making for so long they just come naturally to me. The only one I know I have the recipe for is the gigot d’agneau pleureur, but I don’t know where it is.”

How convenient.

Linda kept her smile, though. “Well, perhaps you remember the website you got it from? Or the book? I always get my recipes off of organicliving.com.” Now  _ that _ was a recipe website.

“Oh, no.” Eren shook his head. “I didn’t get it online. I got it from a family friend. A chef in France.”

“France?” Linda barely managed to squeak out. This cheating twerp was friends with chefs in France? This kid probably just got out of college and he was traveling to fucking France to the point where he has friends there? No… no it was probably a pen pal thing… The internet can make anything possible.

“Oh, you’ve been?” Susan gushed. She’d go on about anything for years so long as it had something to do with France. Or rather, Paris specifically. “Was it for your honeymoon? John and I went for ours. Paris! So lovely! I wish I could live there forever…”

“Trust me,” Levi scoffed. “It gets old very quickly. And go for our  _ honeymoon _ ? There’s no way. Too close to family.”

Linda wasn’t expecting Levi to comment, but his words only seemed to make it worse. “You have family in France?” Of course, her beef wasn’t with Levi, but if Levi had lived in France, then that made the possibility of Eren having friends there more plausible without pen pals…

Levi hummed, mildly shocked. “Oh… did I never mention that? I grew up there. Valence. Up until college at least. I would have attended college here, but I wanted to get out and explore the world outside of France.”

Eren smiled as his gaze focused on Levi. That genuine smile he’d had during the shower of praise. “And his mother was close friends with a chef who’d always come over on special occasions and make gigot d’agneau pleureur, so during one of our trips there, he gave me the recipe so I could make it for Levi.” Eren shrugged like his story was the most natural in the world.

Levi leaned back in his seat, amused. “You know, he said he’d never seen anyone with the ability to make it like him… until you showed up.”

Deep breaths, Linda… Deep breaths. French people were conceited anyway. He probably only said that to make Eren feel better. And sure, the dinner was delicious, but she just had to wait until dessert. There was no way he could beat her at dessert! And with how long it must have taken to make dinner, he would have never had time to make dessert too. The store bought cake theory still held.

Although… She could try one more thing…

“So, is any of this organic? Everyone here practically breaths organic.” And if they found out that anything here wasn’t…

“Not sure.” Eren pursed his lips in thought. “There’s a farmer’s market right down the street from us, so I just get my stuff from there. If the food is organic, they don’t call it that. Probably didn’t want to waste the money on an expensive label.”

Mary and Karen both gasped. “You have a farmer’s market around here?”

“It’s literally just around the corner.” Eren made a generic hand gesture. “I know most of the vendors there too, and they’re all really nice.”

“Oh, we should go to the farmer’s market more,” Mary exclaimed. “Organic is nice and all, but only when dealing with big corporate companies. The best food is locally grown.”

Great. Now all Linda had done was make Eren a savior for small businesses in their eyes. And friends with the vendors? Probably just to get free food all the time…

Thankfully, regular conversation ensued, with the mindless chatter giving Linda time to recollect herself. She listened intently, hoping for something to help her, but the closest thing she had was Deborah giving a comment here and there about how their house wouldn’t uphold the Homeowner’s Association standard. Hardly ammo that she could use. But her chance soon came as John asked Susan about how she was liking the dinner.

“It is good food, but there’s this one place right near the neighborhood that literally has the best curry I’ve ever had in my life!” Susan may go on and on about France, but Linda could truly count on her to help. Even if she wasn’t doing it for Linda. “They have actual Indian people there, so you know it’s authentic.”

Eren nodded, but his furrowed brows gave him away.

A blow had been made, so now Linda could kick him while he was down.

“So, Eren, how old are you?” she asked. Seeing the slight nods of her female friends, all of whom were eager to see the cheater fall, Linda’s confidence grew. “I mean… you look so young.”

There.

Eren’s brow twitched. Linda could see his shoulders tense and the hand grasping his fork clenched rightly. Struck a nerve, huh?

“I’m 26.” Eren’s voice strained.

“Wow! That’s quite the age difference there, isn’t it?” Linda kept her sarcasm to herself, but from Eren’s reaction, he could tell.

“What are you talking about?” Levi interjected, confused as ever. “I’m only 34. It’s hardly a ten year difference.”

“Still…” Linda wouldn’t relent. “Eight years. You’re both in such different stages of your life. That doesn’t affect you? I mean… I feel like someone so young would rather not be tied down so soon and would rather… explore.”

Eren was taking deep breaths. “What are you…?” But he knew exactly what she meant.

Linda leaned forward, resting her chin on the back of her hand delicately. “Or is the  _ stability _ what you’re looking for?”

Eren took a deep breath and-

“Eren,” Levi suddenly cut in. “I hate to do this, but before I forget, could you go up to our room and get the book on France I have? After hearing about Susan’s trip, I figured she’d like to look at it.”

Anything Eren had been going to say were swallowed up, and he left without another word. Linda sat proudly in her seat. The other women murmured to each other while the men picked at the food remaining on their plates. They were completely unaffected by the events, as they were used to their wives tearing others down. Their wives were simply competitive, is what they would say.

“Is there a reason why you’re hounding my husband?” Levi asked Linda, keeping his voice fairly low and completely calm.

Linda smiled. “I’m simply curious,” she explained. “I’ve heard more than one story about age differences in relationships. And considering all the time he spends at the office…” She hoped the slight stress she put on office would give Levi the hint he needed, but alas…

Levi met Linda’s eyes, cold and serious. “I appreciate the thought, but how about you leave my relationship between me and Eren. Now _ lay off _ .”

A shiver ran down her spine, and something told her she never wanted to see Levi actually angry. But… he didn’t understand… Levi didn’t understand that Eren was cheating on him. Still, Linda nodded.

“Good, now…” Levi stopped. “Wait… did you say office?”

But Linda couldn’t respond as Eren came back down, still looking a bit put off but surprisingly happier.

“I put the book by the door for you,” he told Susan, who nearly exploded in her seat. “There are some pictures taped in there that we took ourselves.” Eren turned to the rest of the table, a bright smile on his face. “So who’s ready for dessert?”

Sometime in the conversation, the food had been all but demolished. So the table cheered their agreement, and Eren left to grab the food. Linda settled in her seat as she waited to see what he had. The image of a store bought cake seared into her mind. He would not beat her here.

At least that’s what she thought.

“So, like I said earlier, I wasn’t sure what you all would like, so I made a few different dishes. I have napoleons, also called mille feuille. More French. I’ve got mocha buttercream macarons, chocolate pate a bombes with a raspberry ganache, a red velvet and vanilla crush torte with a buttercream spread, and homemade baklava. A family recipe. Oh, and… Linda brought a blueberry cobbler.”

Linda could have cried.

The table gathered their share, and melted all over again.

“Oh, Eren!” Karen cried through a mouthful of dessert. “Where did you learn all of these recipes?”

Eren paused again, curious and confused. “You mean Levi didn’t tell you?”

“Apparently not.” Levi shrugged. “Because they seem to be under the impression that you work at an office.”

After hearing that, Eren met Linda’s eyes, smiling smugly.

“Oh… well, I went to school for culinary arts, you see. And now I’m the executive chef at a restaurant I co-own downtown.”

‘ _ Now I’m the executive chef of a restaurant I own. Oh look at me. I’m Eren and I’m so perfect and amazing. _ ’ Linda wanted to leave.

“Wow… really? Which one?” Stop talking Karen. If you even knew how many calories this stuff had in it…

“St. Maria’s.”

“No!” For a moment, Linda didn’t realize that had come from her. Thankfully, Deborah spoke right after.

“You’re kidding!” Deborah gasped. “I  _ love _ that place! It’s been winning awards ever since it opened! And it’s topped the To Dine list on every local magazine for the past two years!”

Eren smiled fondly. “Yeah, but unfortunately, I tend to work late into the night because of it. And it’s the reason why I couldn’t join you that first night.”

“Well if this is what we get when you miss, you should work those nights more often!” Karen. Stop.

Eren’s smile widened, and while to everyone else it might’ve looked genuine, Linda knew something was coming. “I’m grateful everyone likes it. And my restaurant. It’s certainly given me quite a bit of my own  _ stability _ .”

There it was.

The words shot like daggers straight at Linda. She glanced over at Levi, hoping he’d send Eren away again, but he simply sipped on his drink as if Eren wasn’t even talking.

“And to think…” the grin on Eren’s face was infuriating “…I’m only 26.”

Linda was silent the rest of the night. It was only when they were safely in the confines of their car that David thought it okay to confront her.

“The food wasn’t all that great-”

“The food was amazing and you know it.” Linda was bitter, but she could admit that. Albeit bitterly.

“So he can cook,” David scoffed. “You can too! His dishes were just fancier.”

“They were  _ exotic _ . Ugh!” Linda’s hands clenched her hair, wanting to rip it out. “How stuck up is he? He probably thinks we’re all heathens because we eat things like roasted chicken and simple spaghetti.”

“He’s just used to cooking fancy,” David trying to rationalize, “thanks to that restaurant of his.”

“That’s the number one place to dine in this city! And it’s only been open four years! Which means… which means he opened his first ridiculously successful restaurant at only 22!” The night just kept getting worse and worse for her. Linda’s friends would never want her cooking for them again! Not as long as Eren existed…

“You know what,” David said. “Let’s let him have it. Because he can be taught for centuries the ways of the kitchen,” a smirk, “but we both know who owns the grill in this town.”

Slowly, the smile began returning to Linda. She began feeling better. “You do.”

Because it was so true.

“And he can add whatever crazy ingredients to his food, but nothing beats a good old fashioned barbecue.”

The grin kept growing. “Your burgers and hot dogs are the best.”

“And in a few weeks…” David laughed. “I’ll put him to the test.”

A test he’d surely fail! That fancy college degree in the kitchen was useless in the rugged outdoors. Oh sweet, sweet revenge.

“I love you so much…”

**Author's Note:**

> For those who may not know, (American Northerners most likely) barbecuing is where you slow cook meat using a combination of smoke and indirect fire for several hours, not grilling frozen beef patties and hot dogs over charcoal briquettes until they’re dry and inedible… which is what David is referring to.
> 
> (Also disclaimer: there is nothing inherently wrong with grilling hamburgers and hot dogs. I, for one, love a good cookout but also die a little on the inside when people mix the two up… and when people don’t know how to grill them properly. :D)
> 
> Find me on tumblr as littlegreenpuppy


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